Remembering Papa

PAPA,

It has been more than five years but it still feels just like yesterday. I guess what they say is true, you never get over the pain...it lingers and stays with you long after the loss. There are so many instances when I would replay the events of that day and all I could remember were the tears and the denial I had in my heart. I couldn't and to this day, wouldn't accept that the man I have always thought of as my hero had gone ahead and left me. I wanted to medically understand how it all happened because somehow I was in the dark. All I could remember was that you still walked to the car a few nights before; then suddenly, you were gone. Then again, I thought would understanding change the fact that you had already gone? No, all that was needed to do was to accept it. But I couldn't. How? 


How does a girl who used to follow you around wherever begin to accept that you are no longer going to answer the telephone when she calls? How does a daughter who kept on pinning for your company as a child begin to realize that you will no longer be there to pick up the pieces when you fall down? How does a woman who constantly depends on your strength begin to understand that it is now time to take care of her children on her own because you will no longer be able to guide her?


HOW? I have not figured the answer yet but I do remember a lot of things. I remember commuting to Apollo Street to spend a few days with you. I felt like a princess during those days for you would make sure I had everything. I played a lot those days with real, actual playmates and not the make believe friends I had at Rallos. I remember jogging at Araneta Center and going to McDonald's only to realize that you dropped your money somewhere so you had to leave me at the counter to get money and come back for me. Although  I was quite afraid, I had confidence that you would return to make sure I had the best meal ever, you did! I remember not having to want for anything for you would provide ALL the things that I needed even things that I didn't but only wanted. I had them all. I remember you bringing and fetching me to school everyday.

I remember disappointing you and hurting you for making the HUGE mistake of not following you and your advice. Even though you were so disappointed of my mistakes, you still continued to stand by me and support me as well as my children. You were my pillar of strength through all the frustrations, hurts, and pains. I would call you for everything! What I would give just for the opportunity to once again hear your voice saying: "Yes darling?" Because hearing your voice calms me and makes me feel that everything will be alright. You would make sure that things will be okay. 


You were the one person who taught me how to love unconditionally and how to treat people fairly. You told me to always do things correctly. There are no rooms for mediocrity. We had spats as you tried your best to teach me how to go about your business but at the end of the day, we always had things done the way they should be. You were a difficult student too! I remember having a very hard time teaching you how to use a computer--you would insist on using the conventional typewriter! It took you several months to get the hang of texting, you would always call instead. 
 

Now, I hope that I am making you proud somehow. I am slowly picking myself up and doing things on my own the way you taught me to. Admittedly, I can't say I have already moved on and I still do not know when I will begin to accept that you are no longer with me. However, I will do my best to make the most of my life and make beautiful things happen.
Happy birthday, Papa! I miss you so much!I LOVE YOU...

Tears In Heaven

by: Eric Clapton

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.

Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?

I'll find my way
Through night and day,
'Cause I know I just can't stay
Here in heaven.

Time can bring you down,
Time can bend your knees.
Time can break your heart,
Have you begging please, begging please.

Beyond the door,
There's peace I'm sure,
And I know there'll be no more
Tears in heaven.

Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would it be the same
If I saw you in heaven?

 

I must be strong
And carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong
Here in heaven.