Limbo

They say that going through the state of LIMBO is confusing. Sure as hell it is! Coupled with all the pain and shock I am going through now, it truly feels like LIMBO already.

I never thought I would be going through this again. Never thought I will so lonely once again. I am lonely. I am sad. I am miserable. I am in LIMBO.

Why? How could I have been so stupid to let this happen to me again? What was I thinking? Who the hell did I think was I? Shcmuck.

You should have seen all of this coming. This was doomed from the beginning. Too many people not wanting it to work. They've finally got their deepest wishes.

I should have not let my heart into it too much. Trying to love all those people that mattered to the one I cherrished. These people who do not have the capacity to try to let you in easily. Making sure everything get hard and harder for you to blend. Making you feel like a misfit from the start to the end. Yes, finally, it is the end. For my heart has stopped feeling just to protect it from the PAIN.

But it lingers...still PAINFUL...in LIMBO.

Heaven Sent Me An Angel

Heaven sent me and Angel over a year ago. We call him Kirby. A lot of blessings has come our way since we welcomed him into our lives. Right now, our daily routine is to always play with him in the morning and most especially from work. This gives us renewed strength after each working day.

It has been said that helping others always finds ways of becoming rewarding. I certainly believe that now.

The Great Move

I made a very big step in my life recently. We moved. Simple as that but complicated in all essence especially to me. I have always been around family and it was not very easy to finally decide to be on my own. But it is a relief especially since we can now freely move around our own space and we can make decisions on our own on how to run our lives. Take vacations as long as we want and our respective works would permit, prepare as much food as our stomachs could handle, drink to our heart's desire, the works! Of course, it comes with a lot of obligations and responsibilities. A very wise man once told me that every privilege is coupled with obligations. Good enough that I have been facing my responsibilities for some years now. I am confident that I could tackle a little bit more.

New home. New beginnings. New hope.

Memories.

The most memorable experiences of my life happened in the "Christmas house," as my close friends fondly call it. Why? Take a look at its color and you'll know why. It is on the long stretch of Scout Rallos Street adjacent to the famous Timog Avenue. I spent 90% of my present lifetime there! Looking back, I think that I made special memories in all the corners of that place. There were so many hiding places that I could recall where I would run to whenever my Lola chases me with a broomstick to whack my buttock because of a mischief I have done.

All my birthday parties were held there! I remember I had one every year. Come to think of it, I do not remember now who initiated them when I was still young. Who prepared the food, et cetera. Of course when I was already of age, I already had a hand in the preparations and the choice of food and the events that would take place on every party I had. But whatever we had for the party, I always remember that all the parties I had during my birthdays at the "Christmas house" was always a blast! Filled with so much fun memories, others hilarious even!

Everything happened there, everything! Nights of sneaking in, mornings of sneaking out! Ha! ha! Bringing in booze to my room with my friends, taking a puff or two of cigarettes! Studying until the wee hours of morning. Partying until the wee hours of morning! There! Talking to the phone for hours until everything hurts so bad - the ears, the shoulders, the buttocks - or until you get caught! "Friends" coming over every now and then. Receiving them in the lanai and even sometimes chatting with them at the gate!

All the important events of my life was witnessed by the "Christmas house." From childhood to motherhood! Only the "Christmas house" bears witness to all the secrets, tears and laughter I went through all these years. All my failures, aches and pains. All my triumphs, successes and glories. All these will forever be held captive by the "Christmas house." All of them it will keep, until it stands to its last days.

It is indeed to let go of a place which has been "home" for you all your life. No matter how "dysfunctional" I have perceived my family to be, the "Christmas house" still held the special title of being our "home" for so long. During my youth, I was always intrigued at how a family would look together in a dining table, yes, I never had that but I had a place to come home to no matter what. No matter what happened to my life, I would always go back to the "Christmas house" because that is where my "dysfunctional" family is....and that is "home!" Daddy Remy, thank you for letting us have this, we will be eternally grateful for everything!

It is a good thing that all of the memories are all locked in my heart. Photographs and video clips would fade and rot but in my mind and my heart, the place will never fade. Even if the "Christmas house" will soon cease to exist, I will always have the memories with me. And I shall never forget...

TRAPPED!

florita...

what have you done for me lately?

florita...

because you are here, i cannot seem to go anywhere.

there! you have kept me trapped.

where?

in the office!

that's true! i haven't gone home since tuesday and it seems i will be staying here until saturday. heck! while i am at it, better make the most out of it. work on the back logs and shop! blame it on the rain! had no plans, mind you! just sorta had to...

Milestones

April 8, 2006 was a remarkable day for my first born! It was an emotional day for me as well, was teary-eyed the whole time my little boy was being transformed into a man. There was a sense of pride and anxiety as I was still unsure of what would happen to my son's future. But one thing is sure though, he'll always have me by his side no matter what...and that he'll always be my baby boy!!!

Friendship

One of the most important things in my life.
I have always cherished my support group.

Friendship - such an easy word and yet a very deep and meaningful concept.
I am glad that you are part of my life.

Thank you...

Together

My circle of friends here in my new hometown is amazing! We spend hours and hours everyday exchanging views and learning so many things from each other. Last Sunday, we had a very fruitful team building experience and we got closer. We brought our families along and spent the day finding out how we could do better with our business and the businesses that we will be putting up in the future. I learned that all of us had talents and views that are beyond excellence!

The Movie Buff was so good at analyzing story boards and plots you'd feel that you were reading weekly review columns from the local paper. The Marketing Man had so many business plans that you'd think you were taking a full business course in one seating. The Chef, whew! He just keeps on filling us up with delectable feasts that surprise us a lot. The Comic kept us cracking up every minute! The Model, took care of us with her motherly love. My Sis, well she just laughed her heart out at every word The Comic said! Mr. Right made beautiful works of art that keep us all in awe! I could go on and on ranting about them, of how proud I am of my friends. Well, at least we all contribute to our conversations and plans. And no matter how hard these times are becoming for us, we only have one mission - TO MOVE ON! As long we are in this together, I know we could make it!

Heads up guys! Time is running so fast, I'm leaving soon and I'd sure miss all of you! But I do hope you continue what we have started and never give up the fight!

Blessings

Was chatting with the Writer yesterday and we were discussing work matters and then suddenly, our conversation shifted to more personal matters. I was telling her how hard up we are recently and that sometimes we have to make do so little. We are surviving and we are getting by but it's just so damned hard. And then she tells me:

"...we are learning that God always provides...exactly what you need"

And then it happened! God did provide! I was so worried about the weekend expenses and some of the children's school dues that needed to be paid. Everything was solved when blessings came pouring in. First, the Writer gave me an extra project. Next, she made mention of a previous project that will be finally billed. Next, my monthly allowance became available after a week long delay. Last and most surprising of all, a relative of Mr. Right suddenly had the urge to share his blessings to us through wire transfer. It was just surreal! Just yesterday I was desperate and worried and just after a few words of wisdom from the Writer, I felt better and thought something will come up that would help us with our burdens. Today, it did!

Sometimes I just believe in power of the spoken word that is why I think it is better to always think and speak of the good things so that beautiful things will start to happen. They do happen! It is my resolve from now on to always think positive. I will not dwell on the negative and I will continue to believe that God watches over me and nver fails me...

SURVIVOR

The Cherubim recently described me as being a survivor. I believe I am indeed a survivor! Maybe what makes me one is that I just keep on going and going no matter how hard the situation is. I seldom give up and when faced with hindrances to my goals, I make it a point to look for solutions and answers so that I could go on. Everytime I stumble and commit mistakes, I rise up again face the challenge and continue to my life the way I want to. I must admit that I made a few blunders in life in the past that caused me so much pain and affected the way my life is right now but I have surpassed the storm so to speak. Now, I am once again ready to face new and exciting challenges to improve my personality and further uplift my professional career. I do not want to stop learning and I do not want to begin to become stagnant either. I want to broaden my horizons and see more of life so that I could be better equipped to impart life's twists and turns to my children...

In a dream I remembered, I asked God to help me succeed.

He smiled and His reply was

"Just Keep Going!"

Famine.

This is a "Pulitzer Prize" winning photo taken in 1994 during the Sudan famine. The picture depicts a famine stricken child crawling towards a United Nations food camp a kilometer away.

The vulture is waiting for the child to die so that it can eat it. This picture shocked the whole world. No one knows waht happened to the child, including the photographer Kevin Carter who left the place as soon as the photograph qwas taken.

Three months later he committed suicide due to depression.

I hope this picture teaches us to appreciate the things that we have. We sometimes crave for so many things and yet we do not realize that we are all so lucky not having to experience this kind of poverty. We always have to think that we are still better off than some other person and for that alone we should be thankful.

He who labors diligently need never despair; for all things are accomplished by diligence and labor.

Pictures

All about me...from childhood to the present.

Change

"We've changed Constitutions, Leaders and forms of government.

But has anything really changed?

Maybe what is needed is a change of self..."

- KILOSBAYAN

I saw this ad recently and it has made me think that maybe we indeed need to reassess ourselves and realize that if we truly want our country to progress we must start with ourselves.

Let us all start with the "man in the mirror."

Achievements

First place!

She won first place!!!

My daughter won first place in the Science contest she was in yesterday. When they broke the news yesterday, I was dumbfounded! Speechless for a few seconds. Absolutely surprised the next. I just couldn't believe it! She bested all the other participants from their grade level, she is currently a Grade IV. She proudly showed me her ribbon with a wide grin and told me all about it. In no time I was off sending messages to almost everyone that mattered, Mr. Right, my mother, my sisters, my cousin, my niece, my friends The Cherubim and The Model, everyone! We were so proud of her. Not that I am belittling her abilities, it is just so unexpected. She has not always been an achiever academically but you see she was more into the arts like dancing, singing and play acting. It was already a relief for me when I found out that she was already starting to participate in academic contests, it already made me proud, but winning the top spot? It was too much to handle. I was so happy!

The Tutor was literally shocked, she kept on asking my little one the questions that were asked and how she answered them. The Tutor was beaming, she knew she did a great job! I commended her for this. I felt that at one point she was feeling guilty because she was not able to coach my son for his Math contest as much as she did my daughter. So I told her that I am sure my son likewise did his best but then again Math for his grade level (Grade V) is really hard and the competition was probably tough. Then my son pointed out that he finished fourth amongst the contestants and I said, "Not bad!" He could always try to do better next quarter for as long as he continues to enjoy these sort of activities. My daughter on the other hand suddenly had a surge of inspiration to do better academically. She has proven that she could do well and she is just to happy to keep up the good work. At least now she has outgrown her penchant for always hating to study or review, she now thinks that she must study harder. Come finals, she will be competing again with all the rest of the winners, she's raring to start to get ready for it!

I never push my children. Of course I would love for them to excel at everything but I just ask them to do their best and keep on passing their exams. To me it does not matter if they end up getting awards and citations, the important thing is that they learn their lessons well and they truly understand the things that they are studying about. I do not want to force them to get into activities which are not really in their line of interests. I believe that children should be given the chance to explore on their own with proper guidance. I want my children to achieve their dreams in their own terms and on their own time.

I am so proud! My children are beginning to put themselves on the spotlight. No pushing, no resentments. They are having fun, they are enjoying what they are doing, slowly garnering achievements to be proud of. I am just so proud...

The KFC Experience.

I called in sick yesterday. The migraine was killing me and I really had to take the day off. So I slept all morning, and did some work in the afternoon. Late afternoon, the kids arrived from school and we had some small talk about school. My daughter was raving about her upcoming school contest and I was happy that she is already confident in getting herself involved in these things. My son on the other hand was complaining because the contest he was in was scheduled last which meant he wouldn't have time to play afterwards because the service would then be there to take them home. Well, boys will always be boys...

But wait, this isn't the story yet. Early evening I took a bath planning hit the sack early so that I would be recharged for the next day. And then it came, an invitation from The Cherubim friend to go with her and watch The Rockstar front act with his band for a very popular band nowadays(reasons of which I could not comprehend) at an out of town show not far from here. She coerced me into going and I just couldn't resist the offer, free tickets! So instead of putting on my sleeping gear, I slipped on a pair of jeans and a comfortable top. I hurriedly said my goodbyes to my kids so that they wouldn't have a chance to whine and beg me not to go out and off I went expecting to have a great night of music!

Next, we were delayed for a while because we had to pick The Model to complete our group of some sort. After a few misunderstandings on where we were supposed to pick her up, we finally found her and we were on our way. The travel was quick and we found our way to the venue in no time. The place was jampacked! And there were more people who wanted to get in! We tried our best to get in amidst the shouts and clamor of so many fans! I panicked, what if a stampede occurred? And to think we were not even interested in seeing the main acts! All we wanted was to watch our friend, The Rockstar, play a few songs. The Teacher and I thought, this is not worth it anymore. We decided to sell our priced tickets to the many raving fans who wanted so much to be able to get inside.

The Cherubim of course still went ahead to enter the venue through some connections to make sure that The Rockstar was treated well by the organizers and paid accordingly. The Teacher, The Model and her friend, The Driver and I ended up going to KFC to eat dinner. We choose KFC since there is no KFC branch in our place and we were all craving for it. Oh well, it was a good ride and a great chance to get the KFC experience for the night. So much for the music and hysteria of a concert. At least we had a taste of the crispy lickin' good thing right?

Anyways, it turned out to be a fun trip after all. We had a chance to hang out with The Rockstar's band after they did their thing in the show and we had a few good laughs. All in all, although I was not able to sleep early, I had fun! Spending time with good friends and just having plain, clean fun was worth it! No booze, no rock and roll, just a great joyride, a laugh trip and the very memorable KFC experience!

Moving On.

Never thought that painful memories could still be unlocked because of a song...

Never thought that my past was still so vivid and that some things you could never really forget no matter how hard you try. No matter how the present situation make you happy, there are still some things that are truly hard to forget....

Sleeping With The Enemy

BRIDGE

"You believed him when he said

'I'll always love you'

You believed him when he said
'I'd always care'

You believed him when he said
'I won't hurt you'

You believed him when he answered
The priest 'Ido'

But you didn't have any clue
That you'd be...

Sleeping with the enemy
Living life
Dangerously
Sleeping with the enemy
Home is not the place to be.

You hide
The bruises on your neck
And you lie
About the wounds of your heart
What you don't know
Is that everyone
Can see through your eyes
The blood of tears
Yu cried

Haven't you read
The news today
A woman almost died

Cause she's...

Sleeping with the enemy
Living life
Dangerously
Sleeping with the enemy
Home is not the place to be."

Heard this song for the first time a few months back and I was taken aback by how I was hit by it. I actually cried. Really, I did, big time! What surprised me was that no amount of healing could protect you from painful pasts. I have moved on, I have healed but going back still is painful maybe because while I was still trapped in the situation, I hid the truth from my family, friends and most people that mattered to me. As the song said, I lied about every bruise and every mark, I had to make them believe that everything was alright maybe because I had to convince myself too! I only started to be able to recount everything to people who are close to me when I finally able to get of it. That was when I started to say the things that I kept secret. It was liberating. It was part of moving on. It was healing.

I was moving on. I started to love myself. I started to realize that I could only love someone else when I learn to love myself fully. I learned to appreciate myself and my talents and not be afraid to let people know and acknowledge that I am important. I learned to love in my own terms. I learned to prioritize myself and my children.

I have been very blessed. Blessed to have family and friends that have kept me from going insane. Friends who have thought me to move on and learn from the past. Blessed for having children that understood and continue to understand. Blessed for having the courage and strength to move on. Blessed for having a second chance.

But moving on does not mean mentally blocking the past. That was a mistake, I simply had to accept the fact that I made a mistake, we both made a mistake. Going back would most definitely generate tears but I need those memories too. For me to realize my worth and that I do not deserve to be treated that way. I need them to realize how beautiful life is and how much more I could with it.

Driving Me Crazy

I love my children. Too much! I adore them. I love playing with them, kidding around with them, hearing their jokes and listening to their stories about school. I get a kick everything we sleep at night and hold them tight.

But darned! They can drive me crazy too! Especially now that they are getting older and they are beginning to see life in their own points of view. My son wouldn't wear the clothes that I like him to. He has his own preferences already. My daughter talks about her crushes in school. Much as I would like to stop time and keep them young, I simply cannot! Sometimes they don't listen to me anymore but I can't help it because they are starting to have their own identities and I believe that I should let them be. Give them a chance to explore, see and learn about life and find their own place among the stars.

It scares me. Knowing how treacherous and dangerous the world has become in the light of many events. There are many times that I would rather keep my children within my reach. A few more years from now they'd be entering secondary school, how I wish that I could watch over them every second. Make sure that they will always be safe. Make sure that they will never be hurt. Make sure that they get whatever they want. But this is impossible.

I have to accept the fact that I must let my little ones grow, explore and experience every aspect of life. Including the hurts, pains, depressions, disappointments and what have you. Because it is only through all of these that they can cultivate their characters. By the many experiences in life, they can be brave, strong-willed and determined. I too had to go thru so many things in order to build a better and stronger character. So even though I'd like to keep on protecting my angels from harm, when the time comes, I will certainly allow them to spread their wings and fly so to speak. But for now.....I'll keep on pampering them and keep them safe within my loving arms for as long as I can.

Suspects!!!

Let's get on the lighter side of things...

My friends and I had a crazy Friday night. We had so much fun after having a few bottles of beer in our latest favorite bar. So much fun that we decided to hang out for a few more hours. We ended up going to the penthouse which is truly an ascent to reckon with! We were a rowdy group fo seven who went up and climbed to the top so to speak. We fooled around and joked a bit, had a few good laughs and more...

Finally we descended and went home to get a good night's rest. And that we undoubtedly had maybe due to the bottles of beer that we have downed.

And then come Monday and we were shcoked to hear that a crime of some sort occurred in the building of the penthouse the same night that we were there! Whoa! We've become suspects to a theft! Ha! Good thing it was discovered that it couldn't have been us because the key for the room in question was not among the bunch of keys that we had. Exciting right? Nah! Not so to be suspects even for just a few seconds.

Confused

My daughter is a bit confused...

She was to make a family tree for her assignment. It is no secret that I've been separated from my children's father for seven years now and that I am already in a relationship with a man who has been taking care of my children and me wonderfully. She kept on insisting that she write his name as her father in her family tree. I explained to her that although he loves her so much as his own, fact is, he is not her father. We've had the same conversation before and I have explained to my children that although their father and I are no longer together, he still remains to be their biological father. And technically, he should be the one that is written as their father. I guess it is pretty hard for them to accept that they cannot claim to be the children of the man who has for four years now been there for them and have been treating and loving them like his own. How? He even goes to their school during times that I am caught up in work and he is the only one who has the time to talk to their teachers regarding seating arrangements, so that my daughter can see the board better, test papers incorrectly checked, to make sure that my son got the added scores needed for him to make it in the top ten, etc., etc.

I have my own misgivings myself, I admit. When I fill up forms for school, I keep the father's name space blank. Well, I just feel that since he has chosen to have nothing to do with my children and their upkeep, why should I mention his name? Since the separation, I have taken full responsibility of my children. With the help of my folks, my children have continued to be content with life, not wanting for anything because I did my best to provide for them everything that they need. It has been hard but we are pulling through. It is truly hard to be in this situation and much that I would like to protect my children from any discrimination or taunts from peers, we'd have to face the harsh reality of life together. I got into marriage early in life, got separated and now I got a second chance at love. My children are aware of our situation and they have always been the top priority in every decision. If any man who chooses to love me and have a relationship with me does not accept the fact that I am a mother, I would't have second thoughts in leaving him. Luckily, I choose the right one this time. My friends say that he is Mr. Right, I believe he is. We also have our bouts but they always end up okay because he sees to it that we do not let emotions go haywire and that is because he has grown to love the children too.

My daughter is a bit confused...

I do not blame her. For valuing Mr. Right so much because in him she has found a friend, a mentor, a father. He may not be her biological father but in all its essence, he is her father. There's no question about that.

Online.

Oh heck! I am officially starting my first online journal. A cherubim friend of mine convinced me to it by starting her own blog and I am thinking that maybe there really isn't anything wrong with it. But it did take me some time to start this blog because I have been valuing my silence and "nonexistence" fo so long that it is so hard to finally open up to the world online. But here goes! I guess I am finally crawling out of my shell and exposing myself to the entire world. This is it! I'm in! Here goes....