Change

"We've changed Constitutions, Leaders and forms of government.

But has anything really changed?

Maybe what is needed is a change of self..."

- KILOSBAYAN

I saw this ad recently and it has made me think that maybe we indeed need to reassess ourselves and realize that if we truly want our country to progress we must start with ourselves.

Let us all start with the "man in the mirror."

Achievements

First place!

She won first place!!!

My daughter won first place in the Science contest she was in yesterday. When they broke the news yesterday, I was dumbfounded! Speechless for a few seconds. Absolutely surprised the next. I just couldn't believe it! She bested all the other participants from their grade level, she is currently a Grade IV. She proudly showed me her ribbon with a wide grin and told me all about it. In no time I was off sending messages to almost everyone that mattered, Mr. Right, my mother, my sisters, my cousin, my niece, my friends The Cherubim and The Model, everyone! We were so proud of her. Not that I am belittling her abilities, it is just so unexpected. She has not always been an achiever academically but you see she was more into the arts like dancing, singing and play acting. It was already a relief for me when I found out that she was already starting to participate in academic contests, it already made me proud, but winning the top spot? It was too much to handle. I was so happy!

The Tutor was literally shocked, she kept on asking my little one the questions that were asked and how she answered them. The Tutor was beaming, she knew she did a great job! I commended her for this. I felt that at one point she was feeling guilty because she was not able to coach my son for his Math contest as much as she did my daughter. So I told her that I am sure my son likewise did his best but then again Math for his grade level (Grade V) is really hard and the competition was probably tough. Then my son pointed out that he finished fourth amongst the contestants and I said, "Not bad!" He could always try to do better next quarter for as long as he continues to enjoy these sort of activities. My daughter on the other hand suddenly had a surge of inspiration to do better academically. She has proven that she could do well and she is just to happy to keep up the good work. At least now she has outgrown her penchant for always hating to study or review, she now thinks that she must study harder. Come finals, she will be competing again with all the rest of the winners, she's raring to start to get ready for it!

I never push my children. Of course I would love for them to excel at everything but I just ask them to do their best and keep on passing their exams. To me it does not matter if they end up getting awards and citations, the important thing is that they learn their lessons well and they truly understand the things that they are studying about. I do not want to force them to get into activities which are not really in their line of interests. I believe that children should be given the chance to explore on their own with proper guidance. I want my children to achieve their dreams in their own terms and on their own time.

I am so proud! My children are beginning to put themselves on the spotlight. No pushing, no resentments. They are having fun, they are enjoying what they are doing, slowly garnering achievements to be proud of. I am just so proud...

The KFC Experience.

I called in sick yesterday. The migraine was killing me and I really had to take the day off. So I slept all morning, and did some work in the afternoon. Late afternoon, the kids arrived from school and we had some small talk about school. My daughter was raving about her upcoming school contest and I was happy that she is already confident in getting herself involved in these things. My son on the other hand was complaining because the contest he was in was scheduled last which meant he wouldn't have time to play afterwards because the service would then be there to take them home. Well, boys will always be boys...

But wait, this isn't the story yet. Early evening I took a bath planning hit the sack early so that I would be recharged for the next day. And then it came, an invitation from The Cherubim friend to go with her and watch The Rockstar front act with his band for a very popular band nowadays(reasons of which I could not comprehend) at an out of town show not far from here. She coerced me into going and I just couldn't resist the offer, free tickets! So instead of putting on my sleeping gear, I slipped on a pair of jeans and a comfortable top. I hurriedly said my goodbyes to my kids so that they wouldn't have a chance to whine and beg me not to go out and off I went expecting to have a great night of music!

Next, we were delayed for a while because we had to pick The Model to complete our group of some sort. After a few misunderstandings on where we were supposed to pick her up, we finally found her and we were on our way. The travel was quick and we found our way to the venue in no time. The place was jampacked! And there were more people who wanted to get in! We tried our best to get in amidst the shouts and clamor of so many fans! I panicked, what if a stampede occurred? And to think we were not even interested in seeing the main acts! All we wanted was to watch our friend, The Rockstar, play a few songs. The Teacher and I thought, this is not worth it anymore. We decided to sell our priced tickets to the many raving fans who wanted so much to be able to get inside.

The Cherubim of course still went ahead to enter the venue through some connections to make sure that The Rockstar was treated well by the organizers and paid accordingly. The Teacher, The Model and her friend, The Driver and I ended up going to KFC to eat dinner. We choose KFC since there is no KFC branch in our place and we were all craving for it. Oh well, it was a good ride and a great chance to get the KFC experience for the night. So much for the music and hysteria of a concert. At least we had a taste of the crispy lickin' good thing right?

Anyways, it turned out to be a fun trip after all. We had a chance to hang out with The Rockstar's band after they did their thing in the show and we had a few good laughs. All in all, although I was not able to sleep early, I had fun! Spending time with good friends and just having plain, clean fun was worth it! No booze, no rock and roll, just a great joyride, a laugh trip and the very memorable KFC experience!

Moving On.

Never thought that painful memories could still be unlocked because of a song...

Never thought that my past was still so vivid and that some things you could never really forget no matter how hard you try. No matter how the present situation make you happy, there are still some things that are truly hard to forget....

Sleeping With The Enemy

BRIDGE

"You believed him when he said

'I'll always love you'

You believed him when he said
'I'd always care'

You believed him when he said
'I won't hurt you'

You believed him when he answered
The priest 'Ido'

But you didn't have any clue
That you'd be...

Sleeping with the enemy
Living life
Dangerously
Sleeping with the enemy
Home is not the place to be.

You hide
The bruises on your neck
And you lie
About the wounds of your heart
What you don't know
Is that everyone
Can see through your eyes
The blood of tears
Yu cried

Haven't you read
The news today
A woman almost died

Cause she's...

Sleeping with the enemy
Living life
Dangerously
Sleeping with the enemy
Home is not the place to be."

Heard this song for the first time a few months back and I was taken aback by how I was hit by it. I actually cried. Really, I did, big time! What surprised me was that no amount of healing could protect you from painful pasts. I have moved on, I have healed but going back still is painful maybe because while I was still trapped in the situation, I hid the truth from my family, friends and most people that mattered to me. As the song said, I lied about every bruise and every mark, I had to make them believe that everything was alright maybe because I had to convince myself too! I only started to be able to recount everything to people who are close to me when I finally able to get of it. That was when I started to say the things that I kept secret. It was liberating. It was part of moving on. It was healing.

I was moving on. I started to love myself. I started to realize that I could only love someone else when I learn to love myself fully. I learned to appreciate myself and my talents and not be afraid to let people know and acknowledge that I am important. I learned to love in my own terms. I learned to prioritize myself and my children.

I have been very blessed. Blessed to have family and friends that have kept me from going insane. Friends who have thought me to move on and learn from the past. Blessed for having children that understood and continue to understand. Blessed for having the courage and strength to move on. Blessed for having a second chance.

But moving on does not mean mentally blocking the past. That was a mistake, I simply had to accept the fact that I made a mistake, we both made a mistake. Going back would most definitely generate tears but I need those memories too. For me to realize my worth and that I do not deserve to be treated that way. I need them to realize how beautiful life is and how much more I could with it.

Driving Me Crazy

I love my children. Too much! I adore them. I love playing with them, kidding around with them, hearing their jokes and listening to their stories about school. I get a kick everything we sleep at night and hold them tight.

But darned! They can drive me crazy too! Especially now that they are getting older and they are beginning to see life in their own points of view. My son wouldn't wear the clothes that I like him to. He has his own preferences already. My daughter talks about her crushes in school. Much as I would like to stop time and keep them young, I simply cannot! Sometimes they don't listen to me anymore but I can't help it because they are starting to have their own identities and I believe that I should let them be. Give them a chance to explore, see and learn about life and find their own place among the stars.

It scares me. Knowing how treacherous and dangerous the world has become in the light of many events. There are many times that I would rather keep my children within my reach. A few more years from now they'd be entering secondary school, how I wish that I could watch over them every second. Make sure that they will always be safe. Make sure that they will never be hurt. Make sure that they get whatever they want. But this is impossible.

I have to accept the fact that I must let my little ones grow, explore and experience every aspect of life. Including the hurts, pains, depressions, disappointments and what have you. Because it is only through all of these that they can cultivate their characters. By the many experiences in life, they can be brave, strong-willed and determined. I too had to go thru so many things in order to build a better and stronger character. So even though I'd like to keep on protecting my angels from harm, when the time comes, I will certainly allow them to spread their wings and fly so to speak. But for now.....I'll keep on pampering them and keep them safe within my loving arms for as long as I can.

Suspects!!!

Let's get on the lighter side of things...

My friends and I had a crazy Friday night. We had so much fun after having a few bottles of beer in our latest favorite bar. So much fun that we decided to hang out for a few more hours. We ended up going to the penthouse which is truly an ascent to reckon with! We were a rowdy group fo seven who went up and climbed to the top so to speak. We fooled around and joked a bit, had a few good laughs and more...

Finally we descended and went home to get a good night's rest. And that we undoubtedly had maybe due to the bottles of beer that we have downed.

And then come Monday and we were shcoked to hear that a crime of some sort occurred in the building of the penthouse the same night that we were there! Whoa! We've become suspects to a theft! Ha! Good thing it was discovered that it couldn't have been us because the key for the room in question was not among the bunch of keys that we had. Exciting right? Nah! Not so to be suspects even for just a few seconds.

Confused

My daughter is a bit confused...

She was to make a family tree for her assignment. It is no secret that I've been separated from my children's father for seven years now and that I am already in a relationship with a man who has been taking care of my children and me wonderfully. She kept on insisting that she write his name as her father in her family tree. I explained to her that although he loves her so much as his own, fact is, he is not her father. We've had the same conversation before and I have explained to my children that although their father and I are no longer together, he still remains to be their biological father. And technically, he should be the one that is written as their father. I guess it is pretty hard for them to accept that they cannot claim to be the children of the man who has for four years now been there for them and have been treating and loving them like his own. How? He even goes to their school during times that I am caught up in work and he is the only one who has the time to talk to their teachers regarding seating arrangements, so that my daughter can see the board better, test papers incorrectly checked, to make sure that my son got the added scores needed for him to make it in the top ten, etc., etc.

I have my own misgivings myself, I admit. When I fill up forms for school, I keep the father's name space blank. Well, I just feel that since he has chosen to have nothing to do with my children and their upkeep, why should I mention his name? Since the separation, I have taken full responsibility of my children. With the help of my folks, my children have continued to be content with life, not wanting for anything because I did my best to provide for them everything that they need. It has been hard but we are pulling through. It is truly hard to be in this situation and much that I would like to protect my children from any discrimination or taunts from peers, we'd have to face the harsh reality of life together. I got into marriage early in life, got separated and now I got a second chance at love. My children are aware of our situation and they have always been the top priority in every decision. If any man who chooses to love me and have a relationship with me does not accept the fact that I am a mother, I would't have second thoughts in leaving him. Luckily, I choose the right one this time. My friends say that he is Mr. Right, I believe he is. We also have our bouts but they always end up okay because he sees to it that we do not let emotions go haywire and that is because he has grown to love the children too.

My daughter is a bit confused...

I do not blame her. For valuing Mr. Right so much because in him she has found a friend, a mentor, a father. He may not be her biological father but in all its essence, he is her father. There's no question about that.

Online.

Oh heck! I am officially starting my first online journal. A cherubim friend of mine convinced me to it by starting her own blog and I am thinking that maybe there really isn't anything wrong with it. But it did take me some time to start this blog because I have been valuing my silence and "nonexistence" fo so long that it is so hard to finally open up to the world online. But here goes! I guess I am finally crawling out of my shell and exposing myself to the entire world. This is it! I'm in! Here goes....